Shopping for Christmas presents is always a challenge. Particularly if you’re one of those kill joy skeptics, kneeling before the alter of Science.

With your calloused knees of course, goes that huge blackened heart that beats with excitement at the chance to “advise consumers” about the wonders your tiny minds can’t appreciate. Wonders that Quanto-kinetic physicists are labouring to explain this very minute. So out of tune is your harmonic resonance from complaining about cancer cures that don’t cure, power bands with no power, SensaSlim with no sense… or even slim for that matter, or Angelic Reiki with no… no… Angelic Reikism, that you greet each Christmas a sad and sorry critter.

Well I hoped you took your skeptic issue sensible clothes or grey beard and pot belly and walked yourself into a state of present hunting exhaustion in your optimal coefficient of friction shoes, you blinkered twat! Or whatever party pooping, fashion free, sensibly comfortable hoof covering stompers we enlightened ones may have the misfortune to look at. I suppose there’s even a coefficient of friction App. Just hold your phone up to some goofy shoe sole and Hey Presto! Evidence! Yeah well I hope you’re looking down at that geeky evidence when they spray neurotoxic chemtrails above poisoning our God given air and suppressing the inherent scalar energised enlightenment of mother nature.

Keeping us enslaved as fluoride drinking, vaccine shooting, TV zombie, medically drugged up cattle, fed lies about the aliens in control, the disease cures hidden away with the AIDS generator and the satellites tracking our every move. Frying our brains and destroying mood enhancing negative ions with full-on EMF pulses from so-called mobile “phone towers”. Oh, yeah idiot! Sure. If they pulled off Building 7, then they’ll try anything. Like the 7 signs of ageing that suppress immortality. The seven seals in the Book of Revelations, building seven and the seven signs of ageing, ya dumb skeptic! Coincidence? I think not.

You’re not even real skeptics. Real skeptics doubt everything! One minute you say science can’t explain everything in the universe. The next ya using science to explain something. Something in the universe! Wow. I mean… just wow. Pathetic. You should hear yourselves. Well I hope you kept funding Big Pharma to suppress the truth and keep us sick. Took your poor children to those allopaths with their mind controlling drugs and vaccines cut with iron filings that they shoot into the bloodstream straight into the brain.

I on the other hand, cannot be fooled. To prove it, here’s some of the presents I got for my friends and family for when they’re out of quarantine for diphtheria.

Past Life Regression Christmas Gift Voucher

For a mere $270 Australian each of these are a total bargain. It’s worth it because you can’t mess with this stuff. It says so right on the site. But best is that even you drop kick skeptics could benefit from it:

Past Life Regression is a highly specialised area and should not be attempted with anyone other than a trained therapist.

More recently, I have also completed training in Past Life and Quantum Healing with the ‘Grand Dame’ of Past Life Regression. Experience has shown that Past Life Therapy can be an extremely valuable form of healing – even if the subject does not believe in reincarnation.

I’ve seen it work many, many times and for me, seeing is believing.

Psychic Reading Gift Vouchers

One of the reasons the enlightened never listen to skeptics is because we already know what going to happen. Psychic reading is not limited by distance. Don’t believe me? Just ask any Psychic Reader goofy. For an absolute bargain again I could choose from $20, $50 or the most economical $95 vouchers.

Thetahealing – Scientifically Explained

Just to prove that science – at least real science – isn’t limited to people with access to laboratories or brain washing libraries I booked early and got 25% off for Christmas. If you aren’t convinced by the “scientific evidence” heading, or the Theta Tree which clearly shows a brain and neuronal axons for roots (I mean wow), here’s more explanation, that only a fool could doubt:

An overly simple explanation of the science behind ThetaHealing is to say that it is a method of applied quantum mechanics engineering. Despite how miraculous and mystical it may sound, the ThetaHealing alternative healing modalities are grounded in hard science – namely quantum physics and cutting edge consciousness research.
ThetaHealing produces measurable results, but the mechanism by which it works is at the present being uncovered by physicists.

Further more, there are collaborations being presently arranged to provide scientific analysis and study of the ThetaHealing technique to prove in solid, scientific terms how and why it workings. After all, there is a great quantity of anecdotes with supporting medical confirmation from ThetaHealing clients who have experienced dramatic healing from this Holistic Therapy Medicine.

Christmas Homeopathic Survival Kit

This baby speaks for itself. I’m sure you’d have to agree. But specifically you’re missing out on toxin and side effect free cures for Over-indulgence, Stress and Anxiety, Sleep problems, Anger and resentment and Colds. You miserable sods could benefit from just anger and resentment remedies.

Long Distance Animal Theta Healing and Reading

Again this one speaks for itself. Jesus was born in a stable surrounded by animals. It makes absolute sense that Christmas is the time to boost your animals happiness and wellbeing through long distance theta healing and aura reading. As we read above this is “grounded in hard science… quantum physics and cutting edge consciousness research”. It’s bordering on animal cruelty to not seize this opportunity. While there you might feel like a treat yourself. You missed the $162 saving at only $243, but at a mere $405 you can’t go past:

Theta Weight Loss Tactics Program. Release weight without changing your diet.

Long distance Skype sessions or in person in Sydney.

Japanese acupuncture, herbs, nutrition, massage & chiropractic

If ever there was a one stop shop this has gotta be it! Recovering from cancer treatment, poor sexual performance or just that nagging urge to induce labour? Wholistic Natural Medicine can treat it all. Here’s their list with their own emphasis:

• headaches & migraines, lower back pain & sciatica, rheumatoid arthritis & osteoarthritis, fatigue, fibromyalgia, neuralgia
• sprains & RSI (e.g. tennis elbow), TMJ dysfunction, peripheral neuropathy, effects of stroke, Bell’s palsy, Meniere’s disease, earache & tinnitus (ringing in the ears)
• cancer pain & side effects of cancer treatment, depression & anxiety, insomnia, post-traumatic stress disorder, stress & stress related conditions, menstrual & menopausal problems
• premenstrual syndrome & period pain, polycystic ovarian syndrome, female infertility & male sexual dysfunction, low sexual vitality

• morning sickness, foetal malposition, inducing labour, insufficient lactation, gastritis, nausea & vomiting, weight issues, peptic ulcer, heartburn, diarrhoea & constipation
• irritable bowel syndrome, chronic ulcerative colitis, liver & gallbladder disorders, bronchial asthma, sinusitis & hayfever, whooping cough, chronic cough, upper respiratory tract infections
• sore throat & tonsillitis, prostatitis, cystitis & recurrent urinary tract infection, urinary retention, acne, eczema, dermatitis & psoriasis, herpes zoster

Scalar Energy Pendants provide Quantum Energy & Negative Ion Production

I know. You were thinking surely there couldn’t be any more incredible life changing bargains. Skeptics are like that. Hanging round with miserable deniers of the Unseen they rarely get to see just how generous and gifted human beings are. But just imagine you’re too busy enjoying all this vitality, health, happiness and well being? Well Quantum Pendant Australia understands, and their pendants have “clinically proven benefits”. Lay it down, brother:

Western medicine even tends to downplay the efficacy of time and clinically tested herbal medicines that work as well as if not better than the more expensive synthetic solutions we’ve come up with. There’s not a lot of money in herbs, but there’s tons of money in man-made synthetic patentable drugs.

It’s really no wonder that the pharmaceutical industry wants us to rely on their drugs; it’s a multi-billion dollar industry. It’s an industry that comes out with a new allergy pill every time the patent runs out that isn’t necessarily any better than the old one, it’s just new and more profitable. The same thing happens with acid reflux and depression medications.

The negative ions that quantum pendants produce are shown to increase mood and well-being in just one hour. The best depression medication requires six weeks before any effects are seen and the success rate with a first antidepressant is under 20%.

Wow! People still fall for that money making pill industry. I hope you skeptics can see just how much you contribute to humankind’s pain. Half an hour to improve mood with a pendant vs 20% success with toxic, expensive, synthetic chemical containing drugs. These guys even wrote Unusual Christmas Gifts For Men 2011. Through sheer generosity they reveal:

The earth radiates scalar energy; therefore, a person would need to be outdoors either in a forest, beach or near a waterfall very frequently in order to gain the necessary exposure. Since this is just not possible, the Quantum Scalar Energy Pendant is a very valuable commodity. Some of the benefits that one would notice almost immediately are:
• An instant energy boost, Improved immunity, Protection from the harmful EMF’s, Better sleep patterns, Improved memory, Enhanced concentration

In addition to these benefits, there are also many illnesses and afflictions that are helped by the Quantum Scalar Energy Pendant. This is just a few since there are too many to list.

• Circulatory problems, Arthritis, Sprains and strains, Back pain, Inflammation, Muscular aches and pains, Breathing problems such as Asthma or COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), Sports injuries, Pain associated with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

The Anti-Radiation cell phone stickers and the Bio-energy cards both provide comparable results as the pendant. They both contain the necessary minerals found within the pendant and for this reason, they function similarly. The cell phone stickers work to reduce EMF’s from not only a cell phone, but various other devices as well…..

These guys are awesome. All that packed into just one pendant. No doctors appointments, no repeat prescriptions, no annoying follow up. Just pay once and you get exactly what you paid for. Rock on!

Of course there’s more. Angelic Reiki Christmas card designs. Christmas Crystals for calmness, love, healing, memory, pregnancy, vitality, sleep and paper weights. Santa themed aromatherapy for calmness, love, healing, memory, pregnancy, vitality, sleep and more. Reflexology for conditions you’ve never heard of nor knew you had. Don’t delay visiting one. Chiropractors will have a crack (no pun intended) at pretty much anything these days. Get the kids in early and make a booking for your pet ferret.

Well that’s about all from me. I’d wish you a Happy Skeptimas or whatever but we all know you haters are never happy without trying to shut down the truth and suppress free speech. So, with all that pure healing and zest above, I can only ask from all of us on the alternative side:

Who looks stupid now then?