Skeptic Shoppers’ Victory Over Noble Slime

Following our exclusive report yesterday on the bloody gangland SensaSlim war coming to the Melbourne Laser Skin and Wellness Clinic at Chadstone, investigations today indicate a partial victory.

Skeptical Shoopers swung into action standing up to underworld associate and SensaSlim dealer, Julie Grinberg. After going on record publically and assuring the consumers of Australia she had removed advertisements for SensaSlim we revealed yesterday this claim was in fact a complete fugazi. Chadstone Wellness were continuing to sell their Full Sliming Solution claiming it was backed by a Noble prize.

Despite this victory, we have only cracked open the door into this massive criminal enterprise. Underworld figures are known to seamlessly shift from one income source to another, coldly eliminating competition on “their turf”. The page on Noble Slime has been replaced with a replica of the age old scam of cellulite treatment. This advertising is quite misleading even on the face of it. A visit to the website yields a link to “Cellulite Therapy”. This takes you to a page with the psychologically damaging and completely misleading fearmongering:

Anything that can make us look awkward or out of shape can be considered as a problem

Do not ignore cellulite, it is very likely to get worse if you don’t do anything about it

Yet following the link Slimming Solution Weight Loss offers the same page, the same treatment []. Documented, unproven, invasive treatment. Again we have misleading advertising but now on two fronts. The TGA clearly state they must “ensure advertisements are socially responsible, truthful, appropriate and not misleading.” But we have one treatment being sold as two. You can access the complaints page here for that reason alone or as we’ll see below for the clearly false advertising on “cellulite”.

Today’s models might wear less but the techno-scam beauty industry is now in full regalia

Of course the claim that any such cellulite treatment works is utterly bogus and serves only to drain money from hard working women who have been hoodwinked by the phrases above. A search for cellulite myths may come in handy and remember shoppers, all cellulite snake oil is backed by no research. Liposuction will produce results for some clients, and make it worse in others. The best non invasive approach, skeptical shoppers, is ongoing exercise for muscle toning and loss of adipose (fat) tissue.

Even then, it’s important to remember what’s going on. “Cellulite” itself is really a made up term to draw marketing attention to perfectly normal cellular changes and histology. It’s proved a boon to gadget makers and charlatans pushing massage, creams, lasers, lymphatic drainage, vacuums, injections (mesotherapy) and now the oxymoron scam “needle free mesotherapy”. “Wellness” itself is a made up term meaning absolutely nothing, but acts as an umbrella term which unproven scams and con artists make liberal use of to avoid in depth explanation of any real purpose.

There is a lengthy critique here of the many scams peddled by Wellness Warriors such as Melbourne Laser Skin and Wellness Clinic and Chadstone Wellness. It actually leads to another pitch for ridding yourself of cellulite via exercise. It may be a sneaky and competitive tactic but is in fact, quite accurate for most women. I will stress I’ve no problem with wanting to feel better about oneself. But do be aware that we’re often told there’s something wrong with us that leads to the belief initially. Body image is a part of us and even mild body dysmorphia is a problem for which some scams have a helpful short term placebo effect. Yet, like the “Seven Signs Of Ageing” skeptical shoppers, “Cellulite” was born to make the cosmetic industry and associates money.

In essence cellulite is nothing more than a description imbibed with negative connotations by the “Wellness” industry to shatter self confidence and take your money. The subcutaneous fat (just under the skin) is bound by connective tissue (collagen). These collagen fibers can and do tear away (or herniate) from other body tissues particularly dermal. Thus with the cells no longer bound smoothly to the underside of outer dermal tissue  – or the inside of your skin – we have the traditional dimple appearance that is misleadingly known as cellulite. With herniation away from deeper tissue and other fatty deposits we have bulges of larger mass.

The reality shoppers, is with tearing of connective tissue comes more collagen. There are different types of collagen cells with different purposes, but we know them better as connective tissue or scar tissue. After a time there is nothing apart from surgery that can alter it’s structure. More to the point the notion of repairing or altering the collagen changes that produce what’s called cellulite is from the beginning absurd. This brings us to fat cells. As very young toddlers and children we go through a period of adipose hyperplasia – the growing of new fat cells. They increase in number in response to the growing body’s need to store energy as fat.

At a certain point this process of readily growing new fat cells slows notably. Thereafter extra fat is laid down in the main via hypertrophy – an increase in size of the fat cells. These cells can swell to enormous proportions, dwarfing the original size. Also with obesity levels today hyperplasia is playing a greater role in adults. It follows that the more adipose tissue one has, the more fat one can store. Rubbing in a well marketed cream or using spas and electrical stimulation will not burn off stored energy. Remember Revitol? Promising you’d be in a bikini in 6 weeks.

And yet, skeptical shoppers, the quick thinking folk at Chadstone Wellness would have you believe One of the biggest problems that can ruin our silhouettes is of course cellulite. Predictably they roll out a warehouse of discredited, dangerous, unproven and very expensive scams. Even the research free Bowen Therapy invented by Aussie pseudoscientist Tom Bowen in the early 1950’s is offered with a straight face. I cannot stress this enough.  Have nothing to do with Bowen Therapy Scams. It has no body of supporting evidence. So shoppers, what is it? According to the ABC (believe it or not):

Bowen Therapy asks the body to recognise where it is out of balance and bring itself back into balance. A Bowen therapist gives a few succinct messages and the body does the work itself. A therapist rolls their hands in a specific way across the muscle fibre, giving the brain a message to help it heal a particular area.

A therapist may leave the room or sit quietly for 2-3 minutes after each movement to allow the body to process the information. Once the body has had a good treatment, it remembers the moves and each following treatment enhances the healing process. There is no ailment you wouldn’t address with Bowen – a therapist does not cure anything but asks the body to recognise the problems and correct itself.

Ah, it’s sheer Quackery shoppers! But Chadstone Wellness manage to plonk in complete falsehoods that sound sort of sciency:

Bowen Therapy works on the unique structure in the body called connective tissue. These connective tissue fibres, through injury, illness, stress (both physical or emotional) become “dehydrated” or “glued” causing imbalances to occur in the normal functioning of the body.

In applying the Bowen Move, the therapy works to release the “glued” or “stuck” connective tissue fibres in the body allowing them to re-hydrate naturally as connective tissue has the capacity to transform from a glued state to a more fluid state. Blockages are freed. Reconnections are made. From the first move, the body is sent a message that the emergency is over.

Bowen therapy naturally brings about the best rate of healing based on the individual’s own body resources and their level of injury. Over the last 45 years, it has successfully helped thousands of people suffering from a wide variety of conditions.

Yes. A magic touch and scar tissue heals itself! The body does the rest, knowing the “emergency is over”. Can you believe that skeptical shoppers?! 45 years eh? “Successful… thousands of people…suffering… wide variety…”. Be sure to include that in your complaint to the TGA. They’ll want to see documented evidence of these helped people shoppers, evidence! Let’s put this myth of healing connective tissue (collagen) in the trash where it belongs.

Anyone who has been through orthopaedic surgery or suffered an injury that threatens to reduce range of motion or leave a huge scar will remember the painful physiotherapy or occupational therapy that seemed to begin at a cruelly early stage. The threat of losing range of joint motion due to scar tissue gives us some insight into why all cellulite scams are bogus. The tearing of muscle tissue and ligaments in joints leads to the laying down of collagen. The first cells to begin the repair might be thought of as scaffolding or framework. More so, it responds morphologically to mechanical stimuli.

It is this process that offers a window of opportunity to regain range. As this “scaffolding” collagen tissue is laid down the tendons, ligaments or muscle it’s repairing can be forced into as great a range as possible. Then when the next type of collagen begins to form – that which is unyielding – it complies with the range that’s already on offer but provides a much stronger unyielding scar tissue. When the collagen associated with adipose herniates it simply hardens. If “cellulite” is visible the tearing is done and there is nothing that can “reconnect” the fibers that gave integrity before.

Even if there was a technique, it would be flying in the face of collagen histology and also assuming some incredible microsurgery is occurring. So combined with what we know about adipose, we now have some decent evidence as to why all the rituals and tricks are never going to remove the reality of human histology and physiology. One of the most common cellulite scams listed shoppers, is No Needle Mesotherapy. Dr. Lionel Bissoon seems to be the most vocal critic claiming on many a website:

This is truly an oxymoron, since one cannot perform Mesotherapy without injections. This procedure utilizes a technology known as iontophoresis which was used in physical therapy with very little success. It is now essentially repackaged with a new name for cellulite.

Others are a little more scathing of the concept. Some of you will know of the S.A. Mesotherapy Alert concerning Wellness Industry Guru, Monika Milka. Injecting stuff under the skin seems pretty extreme so perhaps we should give Chadstone Wellness a thumbs up. Regarding no needle mesotherapy, they claim:

There are four components to the technology. Let’s take a brief look at each of them.

Activating Current – Promotes greater vascularisation ensuring maximum amount of active ingredient is absorbed uniformly. As a positive “side effect” can reduce appearance of spider veins and enlarged capillaries.

Hydroelectrophoresis – Help active ingredients in water solutions to penetrate inside the skin tissue and transports molecules across the dermal barrier.

Electroporation – Promotes electropermeability of the cell membrane which helps the passage of substances. (This is “virtual needle” part of the discovery).

Cryophoresis – Application of cold temperature to lock the active ingredients into the skin cells. It also moves substances into lower layers under optimum conditions so that more is reabsorbed. This improves the performance of the solution’s active ingredients.

What an amazing library of evidence they must have ready to send to the TGA to back all that up, skeptic shoppers. The TGA are within their rights to demand all evidence that substantiates any claim made. So I’m mighty impressed at what these guys must have ready to hand out. Be sure to copy each one down accurately now. Virtual needles, activating currents, locking cold temperatures. That data must be impressive! And all for your cellulite riddled silhouette.

At least they aren’t jabbing stuff under the skin. Are they? What’s Lipodissolve?”

This is the first clinically proven way of fat reduction without liposuction

Many people see Lipodissolve and Mesotherapy as the same procedure. The major difference is that Lipodissolve is the treatment of the body’s fat layer with PC (Phosphatidylcholine) to permanently dissolve away fat cells…

Phosphatidylcholine has been used intravenously for many years to remove fat blocking the circulatory system and to protect the liver during severe liver illness. When injected into your fatty tissues the PC concentration destabilizes the PC membranes of some of your fat cell membranes, resulting in cell destruction and the release of their fatty contents into the fatty tissue.

Another natural component within Lipodissolve chemical cocktail, Deoxycholate (DC) dissolves the fatty contents into a “milky” emulsion. Your body’s scavenging cells slowly remove this milky emulsion over the next 2-3 months in the same way that they also remove a bruise. The removed fat is partly eliminated from your body via the intestines but it doesn’t cause any discomfort, nausea or diarrhoea. It is also partly used as preferential source of fuel for your body. This means that Lipodissolve forces your body to burn and utilize your unwanted fat.

Wow! Just like walking does! Or any exercise skeptical shoppers! But how safe is it? Shouldn’t there be at least some warnings? I mean Deoxycholic acid is a bile acid here guys – an ionic detergent. Some researchers think Phosphatidylcholine acts to break down fat. It can also rupture cells. Phosphatidylcholine/deoxycholate was banned in 2003 in Brazil from the exact practice described above for safety concerns and lack of efficacy as documented here in Quackwatch (Reprinted from Mortality & Morbidity Weekly Report November 11, 2005 / 54:1127-1130, 2005). Deoxycholate is regarded as the more dangerous and should not be used until a much larger body of evidence supports it.

Stephen Barrett also investigates Phosphatidylcholine/deoxycholate treatment thoroughly, delivering an extensive and not good report, a fraction of which shoppers, includes:

Adverse reactions to cosmetic mesotherapy have been reported…. A major British law firm is representing a young woman who is suing a surgeon who injected her with Lipostabil.

Professional groups representing plastic surgeons and dermatologists in the United States have warned against mesotherapy.

  • In 2005, the American Society of Plastic Surgeons’ Device & Technique Assessment (DATA) Committee published a report advising patients to be wary of mesotherapy until the safety and effectiveness of the procedure are confirmed.
  • In 2006, The American Society for Dermatologic Surgery concluded:
    • Despite the growing popularity of mesotherapy there is a paucity of available data and no randomized, double-blinded controlled studies unequivocally establish that the procedure is safe and efficacious for medical or aesthetic conditions.
    • Mesotherapy may ultimately prove to be a viable adjunct or option for these concerns, but further study is warranted before this technique can be endorsed.
    • Controlled research to determine the optimal formulation and treatment regimens as well as the safety, efficacy and further insight into the mechanism of action of this procedure is strongly encouraged.
  • In 2007, the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery warned against using injection fat-loss procedures until sufficient data are available to demonstrate safety and effectivess.

Clearly “Lipodissolve” is a high risk and potentially very dangerous therapy skeptical shoppers. One should speak only to their GP before considering any such pseudo-technique and be availed of all the risks in a proper clinical setting. Do not believe these advertising claims that seek to lighten you by $750 five times over. Also sold as an oral wonder treatment one would be wise to exercise extreme caution in the presence of anyone wielding a syringe of something not known to be safe or effective and that has a history of complications.

Melbourne Laser Skin and Wellness Clinic (cough) aka Chadstone Wellness also use Pressor Therapy which runs on the myth that as the body is 63% water that’s terribly important. By using scientician jargon and pressure cuffs fluid is forced away from it’s most unsightly location helping with “lymphatic drainage disorders and other organic filtering mechanisms” as you lie horizontal only to redistribute within minutes of you ending “therapy”. It’s actually recommended for 10 conditions so when you see it did nothing for one, you have nine more lives… so to speak, shoppers. It does have uses for bedridden or severely incapacitated patients. Don’t be fooled and ask for a physiotherapist to confirm your need.

There is of course and endless stream of hokus pokus going on down there. And I do mean, down there shoppers. They have struggled yet finally succeeded to find a cure for the hideous condition known as “normal anus”, through a brief yet highly unnatural process of Anal Bleaching:

Just as were losing our home (sic) and were about to take this page off the website we came across a lovely formulation that actually worked. The formulation contains a proprietary patented blend of natural skin lightening ingredients which bleaches your skin, even on most sensitive areas, without causing any irritation except for occasional dryness which can be easily treated by an application of a suitable quick absorbing moisturiser.

Ah, just “occasional dryness” for which they can sell you a moisturiser shoppers. Being inflicted with normal anus may not ruin your silhouette like cellulite does but just think of the confidence as you strut your bleached anus about to your friends’ envy. The pride when you drop the soap in the Fernwood gym showers to gasps of jealousy. Smirk confidently at your colonic irrigationist. Imagine all those hours when you can contort yourself in front of the mirror and admire your new BA in Beauty. Not to mention immediate friendships sealed over your next colonoscopy. Should you end up incapacitated in hospital you’ll be the talk of the nurses office. As for all those worries about what to get Grandma for Christmas…

But wait! There’s more!

Melbourne Laser Skin and Wellness Clinic proudly announce on another page, Nobody’s done what we’re about to do !!!. What?! You mean other people are successful anus bleachers?! But it’s true. Curing normal anus is nothing it seems. They don’t just do anti-aging – they do Speed Anti-Aging! The superiority of Speed Anti-Aging is proven in this table of complex data below. You, shopper, are the green bit:

How can this be possible you’re wondering? Simple:

Our unique five corner approach consists of the following:

  • Modern scientific methods in combination with natural formulations
  • Naturopathic involvement to take care of food cravings, deficiencies etc
  • Self Empowerment therapy to help your mind set
  • Acupuncture to enhance and speed up the process
  • Bowen Therapy to help eliminate toxins and waste from your body

A unique blend of modern science and debunked charlatanism at an incredibly inflated price will actually make you live longer. Incredible skeptical shoppers, just incredible. What are you waiting for?! And acupuncture can speed up Speed Anti-Aging! More years with your bleached anus and adverse effects from the mesotherapy that’s better known as Lipodissolve.

Truly, if you aren’t satisfied with these eminent Wellness warriors poking lasers at you, injecting you under the skin, defending your silhouette, bleaching your anus or extending your lifespan newly imbibed with “the body and mindset of a champion”, then you must check the menu on the website.

Sick of putting on makeup? Then perhaps cosmetic tattooing – or “permanent makeup” – is for you. Never wake up looking… well, normal again. After flashing your bleached anus to the girls in the shower at Fernwood you can scare them witless by washing your face and emerging unchanged! Swim laps fully made up and when you’re old, white haired and dying in hospital you’ll double as a clown for other folk. Kids will come from everywhere just to visit!

Of course most of the scams at Melbourne Laser Skin and Wellness Clinic will do nothing of much consequence bar drain your savings and raise your credit bill. That’s not too bad. Unless you want to trust “a talented artist” called Moira to tattoo your face or let someone stick you full of acidic cell destroying compounds. Then shoppers I can guarantee you’ll never forget.

Simply pick your scam from the many on offer and visit the TGA complaints page. It may not come to much because speed anti-aging is in no way misleading or socially irresponsible. Bleaching your anus to the point of dryness needing moisturiser is certainly “quality use of the product”. Everyone needs their organic filtering systems fired up by an over sized blood pressure cuff. Virtual needles are essential in every girls life and in no way deceptive. Bowen therapists will publish evidence any day now.

I’m sure everything’s completely above board.


Vaccination: Making the right choice seminar with Meryl Dorey

A strange scene unfolded in the pre-dawn hours of Tuesday in a run down hanger on an abandoned air strip just outside of Bungalow NSW. Meryl Dorey was preparing for her Perth seminar, Vaccination: Making the right choice.

All night trucks and vans had been delivering the Myths and Lies Meryl would be using in Perth. Coffins, boxes and sarcophagi had been brought in and stacked strategically around the hanger. Containing the non existent and the long dead mummified remains of the most faithful vaccination myths, all that remained was to bring them back to life with the power of Burning Stupid.

Clad in hobnailed boots and a paramilitary uniform Dorey held aloft a copy of Living Wisdom from August 2008 filled with requests for donations to a fictitious Fighting Fund. With such blatant lies that had worked so well, the Burning Stupid crackled and sparked upon the pages of this near sacred text. Dorey intoned the Restoration Spell at times flinging open a page with an ad’ for colloidal silver or immune boosting herbs, while the heavens boomed and thundered. The few journalists who had bothered to come crept a bit closer.

Double, double toil and trouble, I recall ye myths back from argument rubble

For we shall say again with bland impunity, That vaccination gives not immunity

Toxins and metals. They’ve never been tested, And natural disease has never been bested

Autism, cot death, high pitched crying, And fetal cells with our interminable lying

Sanitation, fresh food and clean running water, is all ye need for viral slaughter

And we shall charge them an entrance fee, To claim all vaccines contain MERCURY!

As Dorey intoned “Mercury” a loud crack rang throughout the hanger and the heavens clouded over with menacing clouds. At the same time the lid shot off one of the coffins and a very dead very mummified corpse sat up clad in some type of armour clutching a sword. Reporters recognised him from the battle of Castle Mamamia as the powerful Myth Vaccines Contain Mercury.

He glared at Meryl and said, “I thought we agreed last time we’d change it to Sanitation, fresh food and clean running water, is all ye need or all ye oughta? I mean, seriously who’s gunna keep fallin’ for vaccine slaughter? Even the allopaths don’t go that far, not to mention treading on the toes of Natural Immunity. You just wait ’till Improved Living Standards comes ’round and he’ll agree, you’ll see. I sometimes wonder if you even know what you’re doing woman. The parsnip lady would never go that far. I mean you are just so, so full of bollocks it staggers me and comin’ from a long dead myth that’s really sayin’ somethin’ that is. The idea is to lie to ’em not treat ’em like complete fools. An’ what’s with that last line? It makes me look responsible for stealing their hard earned money, an’ that’s your doin’ that is, not mine.

“I mean, we might be liars, murderers and bringers of pestilence but a man’s earnings are rightly his, an’ I ‘aint no thief, no Sir. An’ I suppose you’ll be asking for donations too eh? Yeah? Blimey you’re pathetic Dorey, just pathetic. Money, money, money. Got another Fighting Fund in the makings ‘ave we? Help ya out in court maybe? Ooooh. Aaaaah. They’re suppressing my right to speak. Whaaah. Yeah right. Forgotten where we’re headed today have we? You’re gunna parade us Lies and Myths up and down the Boulevard Centre in Perth with… what was it again..? Oh yeah, Impunity. Impunity!? Hardly suppression of the right to free speech Meryl, blimey. Just remember we made you Dorey, not the other way around. I’m going out for a reefer if anyone cares to join me”.

With that he headed for the doorway mimicking Dorey’s duck bum walk reciting her spell in a high pitched tone. Before Dorey could open her mouth a polite round of applause broke out from the ever increasing crowd of Mummy’s, Myths and Corpses roused from stasis in part by Dorey’s spell but perhaps more completely by Vaccines Cause Mercury‘s speech. After all, it had been a contentious issue this trip with many Lies and Myths voting against helping out Dorey at all.

Her self pity, cries of oppression, outright criminality and the inability to tolerate dissenting comments was enough in itself. Yet falling under the spell of this Brian Martin chap who was rorting the entire Vaccination Myth empire for his own gain with cowardly and underhanded tactics was an affront to chivalry. Now here, her prancing about in a paramilitary suit just seemed to confirm everything.

Always the quintessential gentleman with impeccable manners learned from his time at the Royal Free Hospital and within the pages of The Lancet Vaccines Cause Autism strode out from behind his sarcophagus. “Yes, yes we thank my good friend Vaccines Contain Mercury for the light entertainment. Always unpredictable after a long rest. But of course we thank our hostess for bringing us here, Ms. Meryl Dorey Australia’s foremost expert on vaccination”, he managed with a flourish which was met with muttering guffaws and the odd clap. Someone may have farted.

Vaccines Cause Autism shot a quick glare in the direction of the offending noise. Having taken the time for a quick snoop, he continued without missing a beat, “Now there’s coffee and tea towards the front, fresh sandwiches and wraps over to the side, vegetarian a bit further along and vaccinated infants and children hanging in cages above each table. Do keep in mind you have absolutely no effect on them so let’s try to not get sidetracked like the debacle over at Jim Carrey’s back in 2008. Any questions so far”?

“What’s that awful smell”?, asked Vaccines Haven’t Been Tested.

“I’m… I’m not feeling very well”, answered Improved Living Standards Wiped Out Vaccine Preventable Disease.

“No, that’s not it”, chimed in Vaccines Contain Toxins, “I can smell it too. It’s worse than that new Lie over there, My Uncle Went Into Hospital For Cancer Treatment And Died Perfectly Healthy – and he’s still decomposing”. Vaccines Cause Autism chatted quietly with Meryl for a moment.

“That’s Nimbin”, he announced. “Slight North Westerly breeze this morning chaps. Awfully sorry what, but let’s just get on with the task at hand. Tally Ho and all. We may be dead, decomposing and mummified but Nimbin residents have a power we can only dream of”. The crowd mumbled it’s grudging admiration. Vaccines Cause Disease giggled in his usual insane manner.

Without warning, Improved Living Standards collapsed. “Medic!”, screamed Meryl Dorey. No-one moved. The sound of crickets could be heard coming from the long grass outside. One of the Myths mumbled quietly to Dorey. “New Age Wellness Volunteers!”, she yelled. Suddenly the hanger was bustling. There was Reiki, Reflexology, Quantum Healing, Succussing, Diluting, Succussing, Diluting… and herbs. By golly there were herbs. Cries rose above the din. “Ear candles!”… “Acupuncture needles!”… “Positive vibes”… “Cosmic consciousness”…

“What’s wrong with him?” cried a homeopath.

“He doesn’t exist”, came the reply.

“Perfect!” responded the excited homeopath. “You”, he cried pointing at a Reiki guru with his chin. “Take this phial of nothing and dissolve it in this beaker of water with more nothing”.

“You just did that 1400 times already”, replied the Guru.

“Fool! It just looked like nothing. One day quantum physics will explain it, but we don’t have time to wait. Now pour, shake, succuss, empty and repeat 1000 times. Speed is of the essence”.

“Did someone call for essence?”, cried the Aromatherapist, who reporters confirm smelt absolutely gorgeous. They continued this way for an hour or more. Eventually some New Age weirdo looked up and explained. “It’s useless… it’s the Mamamia article. It’s been shared countless times on Facebook, emailed across the globe, retweeted again and again and again. With Hib vaccine success between 1993 and 2005 no-one believes in this Myth.

“Judy Wilyman does”, announced Dorey. “You know… PhD Judy!” The assembled crowd stared, blinked, shook their heads and sighed deeply. Improved Living Standards faded away to dust in the absence of any belief. Dorey tried hard but the possibility of profit and media attention filled her head.

During the futility of reviving a Myth the other Myths had backed away. This could happen to any of them. In fact, it regularly did. Which is why they remained partially optimistic. Hoping to brighten the mood Diseases Are Harmless looked at Vaccines Cause Autism. “Don’t you have something to say?”, he asked grinning suspiciously.

“Oh yes”, answered Vaccines Cause Autism. “A big welcome to our newest Lie, My Uncle Went Into Hospital For Cancer Treatment And Died Perfectly Healthy. He’s likely to get a run if things go quiet so make him feel at home”. A cheer went up and some back slapping ensued. All agreed their freshly decomposing friend would be best off known as just Uncle.

“Not that”, urged Diseases Are Harmless nodding at a shiny new ring on Vaccines Cause Autism’s finger. “Don’t be shy now”.

“Well, I wasn’t going to make a fuss…”. The crowd looked on expectantly and Vaccines Cause Autism was clearly embarrassed. “Oh well chaps if you insist. As vulgar as I find self promotion, I guess it’s in everyone’s interest… I was Knighted for services to the Realm of Mythology in sustaining the Power of The Burning Stupid. I suppose they reasoned if anyone was stupid enough to keep coming back time and again when he clearly doesn’t exist, then why not annoy him by making his name a bit longer”. A great cheer went up and arms, legs and heads were thrown into the air in celebration. A few verses of “For He’s A Jolly Good Myth” followed.

“Now, now”, Vaccines Cause Autism went on. “I myself argued there are much older myths more worthy of a title. Improved Living Standards for example is, or presently was, a generation older than I. Vaccines Contain Toxins was out and about terrifying innocent people back in the 1930’s with stories of puss and blood. Whilst Diseases Are Harmless is a senior amongst seniors”, he added raising his sword in a gentlemanly salute, ‘”Not to forget Vaccines Contain Mercury without whom I would never have gotten started. My old friend Vaccines Contain Monkey Kidney Cells also has quite a history. I say, Monk old chap what’s happened!?”

“I’m only half a myth these days lads”, replied Vaccines Contain Monkey Kidney Cells, crawling legless across the floor. “Never mind, I chip in where I can. The Parsnip woman mentioned me on 60 Minutes a while back. Most invigorating”.

“That’s the spirit that’s sustained me chaps! Not only is he a myth today, he’s never even existed. We should all take a leaf out of his book”, intoned Vaccines Cause Autism.

“Yes but you’ve done the most damage by far and been shown to not exist most thoroughly”, added Vaccines Haven’t Been Tested. “Even that law firm paid that no-longer-a-doctor chap who stood to gain by using you and a bum disorder to make money from so-called treatment and also filed patents for a mono-what’s it vaccine, has been crucified man. And the paper he fraudulated got with-tracted.”

“Ahem”, began Vaccines Cause Autism looking for all the world like a professor. “A few corrections. The ‘bum disorder’ or disorders you speak of are Ileal-lymphoid-nodular hyperplasia and non-specific colitis, to be more accurate. The paper that was retracted from The Lancet was titled Ileal-lymphoid-nodular hyperplasia, non-specific colitis, and pervasive developmental disorder in children and was indeed fraudulent. It is still cited as accurate by crackpots such as dear Meryl over there and adds considerably to my mythical powers as part of my hectic schedule entails being Vaccines Cause Pervasive Developmental Disorder In Children. Yes, the chap, Andrew Wakefield if I recall, did stand to make a great deal of money from keeping me captive to serve his own purposes and he did file a patent for a monovalent vaccine. A beastly man with an appalling ego, would you believe he is also worshipped by our friend Dorey who insists he will one day be vindicated?” Laughter.

“It’s all a bit academic now, this trivalent MMR vs monovalent shots business. I say, hard to believe I began my first assignments as MMR Causes Autism, what? Ghastly chaps, just ghastly. Imagine if all I’d achieved was to scare people into thinking just one lot of shots caused autism, and the only one to benefit would have been a stuffy British crook hired by a stuffy British legal team. My powers of course, have since expanded exponentially – especially since I joined up with you chaps under the Realm Of Mythology. I could not have done it without my best and most loyal friend, Vaccines Contain Mercury, who is just as entitled to a knighthood as any Myth I’ve known. No braver Myth would I choose to have at my side. Only after years together was I able to expand from MMR causes autism, to the number of shots causes autism to now… well, pretty much any vaccine causes autism. Ha! Three cheers for human stupidity!”. The crowd cheered.

“Did I hear my name?”, came a muffled response from Vaccines Contain Mercury who had found the refreshment table and was shovelling in sandwiches by the handful, enjoying them immensely. “We can’t take any contraband so…”, he shrugged his shoulders, handing out what was left of his stash to his fellow Myths.

“Oh, rather! Just saying what a loyal and fast friend and Myth you’ve been dear chap”, Vaccines Cause Autism replied.

Always quick on his feet, Vaccines Contain Mercury winked, “I see you’ve told them then… Sir”, he grinned. Then, “Well I say lads, he should be havin’ none of this Dorey woman who would hand our new knight of The Realm back to Wakefield in handcuffs if she could. They’re just usin’ us. We always cop a decent hiding in her hands. They can’t frame their arguments to keep us going for long. And they’re weird. Who’s that Gollum looking guy on a leash by Dorey’s side?”

“That’s Andrew MacDonald”, quietly offered Diseases Are Harmless. “Keep ya distance. Mad as two hens on a honeymoon. He’s the guy who wrote to parents who’d lost a baby to a vaccine preventable disease, saying… get this, that God chose the baby for this purpose. The baby hadn’t been vaccinated, but he starts using us myths in this rambling abuse”.

“What the…?”, Vaccines Haven’t Been Tested cursed as Vaccines Cause Disease shrieked and leaped about on all fours ready to devour MacDonald. Even My Child’s Immune System Will Be Overwhelmed, usually a timid pathetic little myth was on his feet swearing and peering toward this Andrew MacDonald character. Voices were raised in agreement that God was off limits. Unprovable either way. Known for their tolerance, Vaccine Myths themselves are multi-faith and of no faith.

Diseases Are Harmless continued. “He reckons that people who use vaccines must by definition think God is not perfect. That they must think God forgot to add toxic heavy metals, pig cells and chicken cells ‘found in vaccines’ to people. He goes on to claim research, not Myths, support the choice not to vaccinate”. With a roar Vaccines Contain Mercury was on his feet sword at the ready.

“I’ll kill him myself. How dare he tamper with my ontology! He places us all at risk. I decide how I’m used in tormenting humans – not stupid humans themselves. Research? Bah! There is no research to support antivax arguments, only us Myths. Without constant retelling as Myths we face potential doom. I have an analogue in that some vaccines contain ethyl mercury. Thus, I volunteer to skewer the critter. WTF do you think will happen if we allow insane humans to begin to voice their own myths? I told you this Dorey was bad news. First the disgraced physicist, Brian Martin – now this lunatic. It’s simple exploitation. We are all more powerful than her. Without us, she is nothing! Nothing! I say we waste the bastard”.

A large muscular Myth whose face was hidden was standing nearby. It was Big Pharma. “You don’t think that’s hasty? This thing may be of use to us. I mean, chicken cells, pig cells? Ha! They aren’t even here. They are ex-Myths. Clearly MacDonald is regarded as a fool by human standards. Thus he has no power over Myths beyond incoherent insanity. The lack of retelling led to the demise of Chicken cells and Pig cells years ago. He cannot revive them. His story sounds like rubbish even to us Myths. Surely we can torment him simply for satisfaction. For practice”.

Diseases Are Harmless cleared his throat. “Big Pharma, he also asked these parents if they had so much faith in you outstripping God do they not doubt you at all. Or something… he’s clearly insane and it’s hard to…”.

“Blasphemy!”, thundered Big Pharma drawing his sword, assuming a battle position. “That’s settled then. We waste the bastard! Slowly”. There was vigorous agreement.

“I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit”, offerred Vaccinated Kids Get The Disease. Everyone turned to look at him. “Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to say that”.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. And monkey and ladies”, interrupted Vaccines Cause Autism nodding suavely toward the few blushing ladies who had recently joined as Lies about high pitched screaming, disturbed sleep and fever caused by vaccination years after the event. “Surely we can agree on an accommodation that will suit us in general and solve this particularly repugnant revulsion known as Andrew MacDonald. I say we play along with our hobnailed friend over there. Take full advantage of the refreshments and Stupid on offer.

“Partake of Vaccines Contain Mercury‘s herbs – the only ones here that do what they claim to (laughter) – and then enjoy a most invigorating, splendid regeneration as old Dopey parades us about in Perth, what? We are above this AVN train wreck, and we don’t even exist! Her time is almost over. We shall abandon her when it suits us. Or when she starts groping for money. Whatever comes first. Then move on to better things. Before that however, there is Burning Stupid galore so I urge to enjoy your fill. If perchance, MacDonald is harmed in the process, burned by his own Stupid or dies of influenza you have a Knight of The Realm to vouch for your innocence. Does that not make sense?”

Another cheer and the crowd dispersed to enjoy the rejuvenation.

“Fancy a stroll to take in the morning air”, Vaccines Cause Autism asked Vaccines Contain Mercury. “I hear the breeze is no longer coming from Nimbin”.

“Care to partake?” tempted Mercury with a large reefer.

“Why not? You only live 764,842 times… so far”, joked Autism.

“Remember Smoking Is Good For You?”, asked Mercury wistfully.

“I often think of him. A dear friend sadly missed. You know, we shall outlive a few of those here today but ultimately….”.

“Yes, ultimately we too will cease to exist… forever. Say, if I happen to accidentally stub out this roach on the back of Andrew MacDonald’s neck, would…er…?”

“Would anything happen? Why no, my friend – you don’t even exist”, replied Autism with a grin.

“Repugnant Revulsion? You actually said Repugnant Revulsion?”

“Did you like it? I thought it was rather fitting”.

“Well, I had a few ideas myself. But with the ladies present…. and a Knight of The Realm also… Sir”, answered Mercury.

Vaccines Cause Autism let out an audible groan.

And so it was, two chuckling dear old friends, Vaccines Cause Autism and Vaccines Contain Mercury, more aware of their own non-existent mythical status than the predatory human antivaxer about to put them to use, shot her a withering glare of disgust and strolled out into the morning air.

Andrew MacDonald trapped in a prison of his own making, chewed on his leash.