Vaccine Package Inserts: Not all you should be reading

If the AVN do make it to Canberra during this first quarter, “to lobby for changes to Federal legislation protecting the rights of Australians to choose not to vaccinate or to vaccinate selectively”, I’ll be particularly interested in the worth of item 5 on their list:

All parents to be provided with the manufacturer’s package inserts to the vaccines they are supposed to be giving their children with the ingredients, side effects and contraindications highlighted. We want this information to be provided well in advance of them having to make these decisions to allow them time to ask their healthcare providers questions about both safety and efficacy.

Of what possible use is this complex clinically relevant information to parents who need advice on vaccination? How often have we heard antivaccination lobbyists rattle off the worst of the worst as if they are guaranteed in all cases? Just who will these opportunistic “healthcare providers” be who finally chat with the wide eyed terrified parents thinking of an alternative? This particularly immoral intent of Meryl Dorey’s overall scheme to sabotage vaccination in Australia is born of connivance of such intellectual paucity as to demand it be placed in context.

Assuming Meryl will be flying to Canberra, let’s imagine for a moment, it is not vaccination but air travel that’s being targetted as dangerous and thus in need of informing passengers of all “adverse side effects” to flying. This becomes compelling when we note that deaths from MMR and attributed to DTap vaccination remain at zero. Studies examining the that myth DTap – or any vaccination – is related to SIDS found the rate of SIDS in those recently vaccinated was equal to chance.

Around 1990 Hannah Buxton was injected with contaminated MMR. 18 months later she was dead due to the contaminants not MMR, and her parents were awarded £20,000. A BMJ article (also citing Hannah) published in September 1994 notes over 100 families had won the right to seek compensation for the death and disability of their children following MMR. In the 1990’s vaccines were looking like big business for injury compensation lawyers and this BMJ article is cited as desperate “proof” of MMR fatality. Yet that’s a distortion of the truth. No fatalities have been attributed to MMR. Encephalitis from vaccination is so rare and from measles comparatively so common that to refuse MMR on these grounds is to be grossly misinformed.

Let’s imagine if an airline took this “package insert” logic seriously and chose to inform all passengers of all risks prior to flying. We’ll exclude specifics like metal fatigue and focus on injury and death. To cover “discussion” with a healthcare professional they might add descriptive accounts of what happens to passengers involved in accidents. It could be worked in to the pre flight briefing.

Here’s my proposed “report”, using entirely accurate information and statistics, of flying with such an airline. Airlines that believe in informed choice. Let’s say I’m in need of a decently priced flight, scanning the internet for a bargain…


One caught my eye. Package Insert Airlines: Where Informed Choice Matters. “Strange”, I thought. I called the number and spoke to the charming lass on the other end. Yes, they had a seat going my way at exactly the time I needed it. Good price too. Just before I hung up, I asked about the name. She explained to me that the airline had been set up by a small consortium who made their fortune printing vaccine package inserts.

“Before take off we explain everything you need to know about your safety and flying”, she gushed happily, “so you can make an informed choice about staying on board”. Wow. Sounded generous. I packed a quick bag and headed off.

After booking in I had a while to wait but before I found an uncomfortable chair, we were paged to start boarding. It didn’t take long for the airliner to fill up. A few moments later an air hostess with a name badge reading Johanna took her position as the standard safety recording started. She pointed out the exits and toilets then, keeping up with the recording, helped demonstrate the possible effects of crashing on take off.

16% of on board fatalities occur during take off, the recording informed us pleasantly. Passengers are usually burned horrifically beyond recognition in a giant fireball. The unspeakable agony felt by those not immediately toasted is at times expressed in blood curdling screams but this is hampered by inhaled high temperature air igniting throat, larynx and lung tissue, poisonous gases and melting facial tissue, particularly the nose, lips and tongue. Loved ones in the terminal are ensured an excellent view. 

Johanna did her best to imitate writhing dying passengers with melting faces, finally letting out a high pitched scream and then finished with a pleasant smile. The recording continued. 14% of onboard fatalities occur during the initial climb, usually due to catastrophic systems failure. Cabin staff will wander by lying to you that everything is just fine. The pilots are trained to try to guide the highly explosive jet-fuel filled plane in for an emergency landing. You will guess something horrible is wrong and the plane will veer dramatically as we return to the tarmac. Johanna gestured pleasantly out the window, smiling all the time.

The angle of descent will be simply horrific, the recording went on. The fuselage and wings will shudder under the force of descent and you will be convinced you are about to die. Passengers must remain seated, but may pray, swear, scream and make hurried calls to loved ones not in the terminal. Due to the extreme strain placed upon the aircraft systems, small fires may well break out burning, choking and gagging you. Any fires near the fuel tanks may result in a catastrophic explosion creating quite a spectacle. Your loved ones in the terminal will have an excellent view of something like this. Johanna turned to point at a large image that had come up on the screen behind her:

Assuming we do not make it in for a safe emergency landing there is information available in small packages on the back of the seat in front of you. Please remove package insert one, instructed the recording. “Ah, Package Insert Airlines“, I mused staring at a bunch of information I couldn’t really understand. Surely this was written for scientists, or experts in this field. It was about G forces and deceleration and how much energy the cabin would absorb.

Please turn to Table One said the pleasant recording as Johanna held up an example of Table One:

Assuming we will be crash landing and not emergency landing you should familarise yourself with the pain and suffering that possibly awaits. As we observe, up to a 40G deceleration may result in nasal fracture, compression of a vertebral body (the bones of your spine), a broken lower jaw or a fracture dislocation of the top most bone of your spine – on which rests your skull – on the vertebral bone beneath. The classic “hinge fracture”. At this point any sudden or unnecessary movement as opposed to say, lying motionless, will sever your spinal cord leaving you paralysed for life. Except for your facial muscles.

Johanna beamed and highlighted her face like she was selling moisturiser. The recording continued with the Johanna doing her best to imitate horribly injured and dying passengers. “Around 50G the maxilla, or front of your face, breaks up and may pierce the skin of the face, but will certainly lacerate the upper mucosa of the lip and cheek. Bleeding will be profound. The major vessel carrying blood to and from the heart spontaneously sprouts big leaks and that can be bad.

Above 80G it just rips open and blood quickly fills your thorax or abdomen, choking you in a grotesque display of gurgling and gasping as blood forces it’s way out from the lungs to the mouth and nose. Johanna was writhing dramatically upside down over the back of a seat gagging and snotting like a trooper. Your bladder and bowel, the recording went on, if not having done so already, will empty spontaneously and dramatically. Please remain seated. I looked at Johanna expectantly but she gave a gentle shake of her head.

 Above this level as we enter 100G plus, the pelvis will fracture of it’s own accord. Please refer to package insert 1A for information on how crucial the pelvis is for ambulation, spinal health, organ protection, core stability, bladder and bowel, sexual health, reproduction, sitting comfortably… on and on it went covering every tiny detail of a fractured pelvis, pain, rehabilitation and permanent disability. People had for some time been leaving in ones and twos. A mother grabbed her baby and screamed that we were all insane before sobbing her way off the plane. I was starting to forget exactly what I was doing here myself.

Vertebral body transection means the bones of your spinal column split transversely and slice front to back or back to front, with part of the vertebra slicing through the spinal cord. This can occur at multiple points. It is important to remember, the recording intoned, that these injuries are not exclusive. So a crash landing deceleration at around 200G may include a fractured nose with the front of your face crumbling off but stuck under the skin, vertebral compression and transection with almost certain quadriplegia or paraplegia, your insides filled with blood that you gurgle and splatter from your nose and mouth and a shattered pelvis, leaving you to wallow in your own waste, until you die are burned or perhaps rescued to begin your life as a permanent patient.

Johanna had been mimicking at extraordinary speed, pulling grotesque faces, shuddering with vertebral injuries, shaking her head violently back and forth working up to a grand finale in which she gasped wide eyed, spluttered and with tongue hanging out collapsed in a heap on the aisle floor, twitching and writhing. Those of us not vomiting into the sick bags broke into a round of applause. She stood up beaming, adjusting her hair. Thinking this must surely be the end of a compelling but pointless exercise a few of us settled down until, horribly, the recording started again.

13% of fatalities occur during the latter stage of the climb once flaps have been raised. Please open package insert 2 and note injuries, suffering and death are much the same as for the initial initial phase of climb. You will note on package insert 2A we have included Total Body Fragmentation which applies to both failed ascent and descent and is pretty much what it sounds like, the soothing voice continued. We shall cover this in due course but it is important to stress that you may be killed during the latter part of ascent.

Once at cruising altitude you may be comforted to know that only 16% of fatalities occur up there in the cold, cold air. Although the same quantity as take off fatalities you may feel assured that on average, 57% of flight time for a 1.5 hour flight is spent cruising. Package insert 3 covers uncontrolled decompression. For our purposes please note Explosive and Rapid cabin decompression effects upon the body which you may experience alone or in tandem with high altitude injuries and hypothermia.

Should a large hole appear in the fuselage, perhaps due to a bomb, maintenance failure, metal fatigue, cargo door failure or just really bad luck passengers may expect explosive decompression. Contrary to the urban myth your body will not “blow up” killing you instantly and painlessly. As air escapes from the cabin in about half a second it will suck all the air from your lungs rupturing pulmonary tissue whilst you find it impossible to inhale as blood flows freely from your mouth and nose.

An extraordinarily rapid heart beat will only make this worse. Try try remain calm. Oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. Of such little pressure, they are useless and serve only to distract you in your final moments of life which are excruciatingly painful and unimaginably terrifying. Please keep an eye out for flying passengers, body parts or projectiles which will hit you with the force of bomb fragments, or slice, rip and tear your body into pieces.

As the freezing air fills the cabin the relative humidity changes rapidly, causing a dense fog to form. Depending on your distance from the cause of decompression, Johanna gestured to the front and back of the plane, you may experience the effects of rapid, not explosive cabin decompression. Blood and lung tissue is less likely to splatter in your vicinity although lung tissue damage to yourself and others is still likely. The further from the cause of decompression and the better restrained the more adverse reactions that can be expected over time and the more painful your slower demise.

Should you be unfortunate enough to be seated or standing near the decompression zone you will exit the aircraft at high speed experiencing physical decompression, pulmonary damage and bleeding, retinal bleeding, hypothermia, edema, numbness, wind sheer and insomnia. As you plunge toward the earth you may reach speeds that tear clothes, hair and skin from the body.

For those still on board, hypothermia sets in within a few minutes but not before hypoxia begins to kill off brain cells and precipitate organ failure. As you lapse in and out of consciousness you may notice the frozen vomit blocking the blood and pulmonary edema discharge from escaping the oral cavity. Limbs, hands and feet begin to swell as fluid escapes the blood stream and lymph vessels to build up in the tissues. Your retinas may hemorrhage as your body temperature rises to fever levels. Cerebral edema will creep up on you the longer you find the captain is able to control the plane through an interminably long descent. This brain swelling will lead to blinding headaches and more lapses into unconsciousness as life threatening hypothermia sets in. 

The recording continued on like this for a while with Johanna diving and falling and rolling about the cabin. She pleasantly gestured to where body parts are most likely to become wedged, and gave a realistic impression of someone trying unsuccessfully to breathe through the drop down oxygen masks. She sat in the seats most likely to accompany decapitation given the chosen place of decompression and managed a sterling performance as a hysterical young mother trying hopelessly to stop her toddler from being sucked out of an imaginary gaping hole in the fuselage.

I couldn’t see the point to all this convoluted intricate information. I suspected it had some legal purpose but I was 19 times less likely to die like this than in the car I drove to the airport. I couldn’t imagine the stupidity involved in thinking such highly specific and biased information had any bearing on flying whatsoever, beyond creating the illusion there was something to fear.

I tuned back in at times as this marathon of irrelevance continued to inform me that another 16% of fatalities occurred during descent and initial approach. 25% occurred during final approach and landing. Then they got onto multiple injury specifics. 45% of intact (Intact?!) fatalities had a spinal fracture. 47.6% of accident victims had a ruptured heart and 35% also had a ruptured aorta. Only 20% of fatalities don’t have limb fractures the recording pleasantly informed us adding that a sound knowledge of Total Body Fragmentation would help us make an informed choice.

Thorax injuries were the most common. Liver, spleen, diaphragm. GI tract injuries were the least common. Skull, brain and facial destruction was very common. Great I thought. Your turds survive but your brain is mash. Neck, spine, wrist, femur, humorous, tibia… then combinations… and fatalities… until I couldn’t think much beyond Total Body Fragmentation sucks man. “Flying Causes Total Body Fragmentation”, I wanted to yell. Which free speech suppressing scientists had been holding back such vital information? I needed to know this, didn’t I? I couldn’t just trust one of the most successful, safest industries in the world, could I?

Then I realised something. Total Body Fragmentation was an incredible rarity. So were aviation accidents. It was Informed Choice that really sucked, and looking around it had emptied a good deal of the plane, having filled people’s heads with nonsense.

I hoped they weren’t driving home.


So, dear reader. If you’ll pardon the foray you can appreciate just how nonsensical this obsession with package inserts is. There is however, a sinister side to this apparent “information”. As I hinted at above, using it to educate people is fatally flawed. Parents need to know about the probability of adverse events of all types, including disease affecting their children. The fact that extreme events are possible is completely irrelevant to making an informed choice.

It’s simple mum. MMR does not kill and measles is 1,000 times more likely to leave your child with irreparable brain damage. If they must, parents need to speak to a doctor about this information, not be lured into panicked confusion. Dorey’s request is just as much a statement: You are not being given safe advice. And that, is an outright lie.

Yet there’s more to consider. As I note above studies have been done on the myth of vaccine induced SIDS. This is not on package inserts, nor is Shaken Baby Syndrome. Yet Dorey insists both these causes (and others) of death are side effects of vaccination. Toxic poisoning without “prior testing on infants” is happening right now via vaccination, she claims.

In her mind extremely rare possibilities must be advertised as likely probabilities. As must a growing number of invented fictions: immune disorders, failure to thrive, leaking intestines, heavy metal build up, slow learning and almost any ailment is blamed on vaccines, water or medication. So if she is granted her wish by chance, it will only be the beginning.

Yet importantly I set out above to highlight what we take for granted. The fear of flying is considered irrational. A phobia. In short Dorey seeks to propagate a phobic fear of vaccines that will cripple critical and safe decision making.

Meryl Dorey is well aware that “informed choice” is really “Meryl’s choice”. It is not free speech, but plain deception.

Parents deserve facts, not irrational fear.

Risk From Disease vs Risk From Vaccine

The problem with Margaret Court

When God came to visit Margaret Court as she scrubbed the dishes one night and told her to “go forth” and set up a church one could guess it would all end in tears one day.

A woman of incredulous beliefs, hypocrisy, charlatanism and greed she preaches a destructive supernatural creed that is considered heresy by mainstream Christendom. It is quite true that Margaret Court persecutes minority groups with the God given “love” she has for them.

Single mothers, drug users, Muslims, non Liberal voters and homosexuals all cop a holy spray. It’s no secret that protestors are at the Australian Open today to peacefully voice what is really long overdue opposition to one of Australia’s most legendary bigots. Although the claim is being made that she doesn’t cash in on her past life in tennis the truth is that she does.

One of the creepiest is messing with young school kids minds by handing out imitation Wimbledon trophy trays to those judged by the group of which she is patron, Creationist lobbyists, Drug Free Australia to have the most biblical anti-drug message. That they are anti-equality, anti-safe sex and safe drug use hence a threat to public health is a message students aren’t told.

Margaret’s journey from tennis “legend”, to psychological wreck to auditory hallucination as Jesus’ private interlocutor had been striking. Plunged to the depths of depression when adoring cheers were finally silenced Margaret could see no way forward. As psychosis lapped at the edges of her consciousness and she lay bedridden with a broken mind, Margaret made a life changing decision. She found a bible and read it from front to back, believing every word.

At about the same time Margaret was claiming she had a torn heart valve. She got hold of an anatomy book, opened it at the page depicting a heart and laid it on the hallway table. Every time she passed she willed herself with the healing power of God that this was her “perfect heart”. Not long after she reported a miraculously repaired heart valve.

Clearly, no longer in Kansas so to speak, Margaret needed help. Proper, long term clinical help. It never came. Exactly what role was played by husband Barry in creating the new Margaret Court is not clear. I have every sympathy for a chap who believed his wife was spiritually touched after such a gruesome ordeal. However the quality of associates she now chose to further her “instructions” left much to be desired.

Margaret knocked over her bible “studies” in about a year at Rhema Bible College, thus becomming a pastor. Next a hefty payment to Oral Roberts University provided her with a dodgy doctorate as a Word of Faith adherent. Word of Faith attracts extreme condemnation from mainstream Christians as it teaches accumulation of material goods and wealth is itself a path to enlightenment: Economic Materialism. Kenneth Copeland and Kenneth Hagin are well known Word of Faith profiteers.

It’s a blend of Christian Science, New Age Mysticism, Christianity and Gnosticism. Its basic foundation is that it deifies humans and diminishes God. Word of Faith practitioners believe they wield the power of God through speech – hence the name – and that God must serve them:

And they believe that they have the same power as God, to create and destroy by speaking using “the Word of Faith.” And with their prosperity doctrine, they believe that their pleasures should be filled and they should be served by God on earth (making them gods on earth).

Court herself has dangled this threat of speaking destruction to punish Australia for failing to re-elect John Howard through united prayer in 2007. In a rare moment of lucidity, Court graciously admitted it was just a reminder and when it came to unleashing Divine Power through speech, “He (God) is Sovereign”.

Yet by this time Court was a fierce Christian Zionist, enemy of Islam and close friend of Danny Nalliah from Catch The Fire Ministries. Danny is well known for blaming the February 2009 Black Saturday bush fires on divine punishment for the decriminalisation of abortion in Victoria, and for his personal visit from Jesus to confirm Howard would win the 2007 election.

She wrote on his website in December 2007:

This man stood up for the Body of Christ against the vilification law; he was persecuted by many in the Body of Christ for his stand, but he pushed through for you and me so that we still have that freedom to openly share Jesus Christ.

From the Prophetic office he gave direction to the Church for our Nation, but the church did not take heed to what he had said – that the Body of Christ unite in prayer and action.  (2 Chronicles 7:14)

I believe we are at a very pivotal time for our nation and for the church.

We had righteous leaders in Mr Howard and Mr Costello and how much easier it is for the church to fulfill the destiny spiritually when you have God fearing men at the top leading a Nation.  Now you have a Prime Minister who says, “that public servants will advise me, not God” to lead our Nation.  (Release:  Southern Cross Broadcasting in Melbourne, Nov 30 2007)

I was praying and God showed me we have allowed a religious spirit to come back over our Nation. God always gives me Numbers 14 for this Nation where Moses repented on behalf of the people; we need to repent on behalf of the church.  The government of this nation is on our shoulders (Isaiah 9:6) – we govern in the spirit; but a lot of the church is looking at man instead of God (Matthew 6:24-33)

I love the body of Christ; what a powerful army when we stand united together in prayer and Word. Let’s stand together for God to manifest Himself; believing and proclaiming that we are a righteous Nation, a God-fearing Nation and that His hand is on our Nation.

♠ – The “Body of Christ” is a term for collective Christians. ♣ – The “Prophetic Office” is the term used to describe a personal visit with Jesus or God.

Word of Faithers also deny a belief in The Trinity and the traditional story of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection. Probably finalised by Kenneth Hagin their story of Jesus’ demise is that he was crucified and died. From there he went to hell and was tortured by demons. A bit of a whimp he yelled and screamed for help until the archangel Gabriel swooped into hell, defeated the demons and saved Jesus’ skin.

All offences together have earned them the dubious honour of being known as heretics throughout Christendom. Their misinterpretation of the bible is legendary. Court recently said that same sex marriage would, “legitimise what God calls abominable sexual practices”.

This is utter nonsense. She is referring to Leviticus, chapter 18 verse 22:

You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination

We know that the book of Leviticus could not have been “written by Moses” as the defence goes. And as a defence it is demonstrably absurd noting that Moses was big on genocide, slavery and the kidnapping of virgins. Whilst the origin of some material is lost in antiquity the notion of the book as “written by Moses” began sometime in the 1st century. Leviticus itself continued to be modified up until around 540-330 BCE.

This is the Persian Era and may offer some insight into why the final book is a strict book of complex rules, much like Sharia law. I’m not suggesting it is Islamic, merely that the notion of rules instructing humans in the manner of living was popular in the middle east for centuries. Leviticus is 27 chapters of rules on festivals, eating, sacrifice, sexual behaviour, cleanliness, judgement and more.

Scholars are quick to point out that the tribes-people who wrote chapter 18 on sexual behaviour were known to use male anal rape as a means in war and of civilised punishment. Homosexuality was also accepted and legal. Not only is the meaning of Leviticus 18:22 lost in translation and time, a glaring absence is that of reference to gay women.

Thus it is not an instruction forbidding homosexuality. The most widely accepted definition is that it pertains to procreation. The word “abomination” in this sense relies upon it’s meaning as a violation of law. A violation of the tribal rule (necessity) to procreate. This was the explanation I heard, with references, in a lecture from a real biblical scholar and I give it credence over that of a megalomaniac and bigot like Margaret Court.

Today Court runs Victory Life Centre in Perth piping TVangelism to over 30 South East Asian locations, making the proverbial fortune. Still patron of Drug Free Australia she may be proud that they have caused enormous damage to children, families, education, public health and illicit drug policy. There are many reasons why this disturbed ex-tennis player should be called out for the antisocial opportunist that she is.

Giving a legitimate face to archaic homophobic views based on ignorance is something Australians should resist.

Drawing from a child indoctrinated by Drug Free Australia. The knife handle reads, “John 10:10” – The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and life to the full. Be Drug Free And You Will Be With Me, says God (top right).

The Silence Has Fallen: will the real Meryl Dorey please stand up

“We’ve always wanted a balance on this issue, we’ve always asked for this… to allow you as parents to access both sides of this information”

“What we have to decide is what’s the best way for children to stay healthy and that’s what we disagree on and it’s good that we can discuss it”

Meryl Dorey – Woodford Folk Festival, December 29th, 2011

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

These are encouraging words from Meryl Dorey suggesting a desire for bipartisan discourse.

Despite these words at Woodford those who have heard the audio or attended know there was no discussion but two presentations. One calm and factual. The other hyped, emotional and fictional.

Having heard Meryl’s new delight in accepting that “it’s good” we can discuss “what we disagree on” because of the importance in deciding “what’s the best way for children to stay healthy”, I assumed she would be delighted to embark upon the realisation of her new hunger for discourse.

A Silent – Defender of The Silence

It seems I was mistaken.

Since the excitement of Woodford I’ve sent Meryl two emails, tweets and invitations on Facebook.

There has been no reply. The Silence has fallen.

You see it appears Meryl and I disagree. Meryl said to a live audience that’s it’s good we can discuss it. Apparently the reality is far from that claim.

Others, as recently as tonight, have kindly raised this point during other online discussions with Meryl. Meryl was in full flight denying that her critics read “medical information” which prove her point and instead rely on “corrupt” studies.

Meryl had her attention drawn to her so-called debate forum. Then to my request. It seemed she wants to convey she had the last word:

                                               This is not debate – this is propaganda.

But as seen below, Meryl did receive a reply. She refused to publish it. Censorship, again. Then, Silence! No reply. No riposte. No denial. Just… Silence.

Let us recap how The Silence came to fall. First was the post My Personal Request of Meryl Dorey.

Then this tweet:

Then this email:

From:     Paul Gallagher
Subject:  My personal request of Meryl Dorey
Date:       5 January 2012 2:34:18 PM AEDT

Hi Meryl,

I hope this finds you well and easing back into the swing of things for 2012.

I just thought I’d touch base to be sure you’ve seen my extended invitation to your good self, to post or send a riposte to my claims about your pertussis statistics analysis.

You may have seen it on ABC News Breakfast’s Facebook page yesterday – twice – and also on Stop AVN’s Facebook page.

The offer to debunk the entire lot or just tackle a few pointers is still standing.

I imagine that the inability to debunk the key elements, might require on your part, some rather powerful argument/s were you to then continue to maintain your present stance on pertussis vaccination as a variable in pertussis notification. Particularly the oft’ cited large increase in 20 years, consonant with a 25% increase in childhood vaccination.

Below I show this to be false, fatally flawed and irredeemable as an argument.

It may thus follow that a retraction of your position on pertussis may be the next accepted step should you fail to adequately address these major points.

If some of your points can be sustained then only a partial retraction in your media release would be needed.

Finally, I would firmly suggest that no reply is an admission of failure and acceptance of my position in total as outlined below.

A directly contrary response is not acceptable.

A reply broaching other areas of pertussis vaccination – such as mutations in the MT27 and MT70 strains of B. pertussis – unrelated to the content below is also not acceptable.

I invite you only to address the material below.

If any points are unclear, then please don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

I eagerly look forward to your reply and/or a reasoned debunking of my position as outlined below (what was outlined below was of course this text from a previous post).

Many thanks,

Kind Regards,
Paul Gallagher
[personal email supplied]

But nothing happened. The only punctuation was the horrible Silence. Just…. Silence!

Next came the post Vaccine induced autism: How Meryl Dorey misled her Woodford audience.

I knew Meryl had read it. It was on Facebook too. Surely now something would happen. Something, anything to break that suffocating Silence. It filled my ears. It bounced off the walls. It woke me at night, mocking me with quiet neighbours and no faulty car alarms. Oh how I longed for the good old days. To be called “pond scum” for no reason, just like Meryl used to was my fantasy.

Two beautiful words to shatter the Silence. Pond Scum. Glorious Pond Scum. It was the oasis to my desert. The shooting star to my blackened night sky. The Betadine to my Tinea.

Then came the story of doctors sending away unvaccinated children. The measles cases. Parents refusing to vaccinate because their fears of autism were fuelling measles. I was seized by an idea. Crazy I know. Insane maybe. But I could take this Silence… this madness, no longer. I offered Meryl Double Or Nothing. Yes, yes, oh God forgive me I did it. Prove the autism argument wrong and I’d forget about the pertussis argument. That’s right! Win one fallacy and get another entirely ridiculous fallacy free. No cost. No strings. Just stop the Silence! I posted on Facebook, a shattered, shameful wreck:

It was met with… Silence! That was it. I was sure I would go insane. Insaner. As I lay tossing throughout the night enveloped in the cruel Silence a misty apparition appeared and through it stepped the most powerful Vaccine Myth of all time. Sir Vaccines Cause Autism, Knight of The Realm of Mythology stood before me. I fell to my knees weeping and trembling. “I am not worthy”, I mumbled. “I have failed to protect your very Mythness”.

“Oh bollocks, Old Bean… may I?”, he offered as he lay back on my bed with a long sigh. “Now how about you pop on the kettle, fire up the computer and play the audio of Meryl’s Woodford speech. Nothing regenerates us dead and non existent Myths like…”.

“The Power of The Burning Stupid!”, I finished, fumbling with the keyboard until I heard the ghastly sound itself.

Over a cup of Earl Grey Sir Vaccines Cause Autism regenerated on The Burning Stupid and reminded me of what I knew all too well. The very existence of Vaccine Myths in The Realm of Mythology depends upon frequent retelling as Myths.

Any attempt to force their ontology toward reality with junk science and bogus claims was just as deadly for them as it appeared to be for us. Apparently he felt we were doing a good job. After reading Meryl’s Woodford slides, and laughing heartily over a few blog and Facebook posts, he stood up.

“Anymore Burning Stupid and I’ll be blind” he joked. “Now, here’s what you need to do dear chap. First, ignore the Silence. The more Silence you hear the more proof they have nothing to say. Do not fear the Silence for it is a sign of your victory and their cowardice. These creatures feed on angst, insult and repetition.

They define their puny worth by pretending to be in a battle with imaginary forces and without good folk to slander, would be lost. Have your say and be done with it. They are trolls, and we do not feed the trolls.

Tomorrow, follow up with another Facebook post to this Dorey woman. The next day an email and a tweet. I bet twenty bags of gold and 1,000 horses she will remain silent. She is already defeated. Hit her with facts. Facts are their enemy and their worst nightmare.

They will cower, cringe, lie and cry foul like the spineless creatures they really are. Never waver! Stop The AVN!”, he finished brandishing his sword, slicing my curtains in half and demolishing the veneer on my wardrobe.

“Farewell! Mwahaha. Mwahahaha”, he added dramatically before walking face first into my balcony door and falling back ungraciously.

“Sorry, that’s shatter-proof glass”, I pointed out. “Obviously in need of a clean and thus, looking just like your mist cloud which is actually over there”.

“I knew that!”, he said straightening his crown. “Very well. Mwaha, Tally Ho, you get the idea…”. And with that, he was gone.

So the next day I set about ignoring the silence, and posted on Facebook:

Then the next day, I set about emailing:

From:     Paul Gallagher
Subject:  Woodford autism/vaccines problem
Date:     13 January 2012 11:54:43 AM AEDT

Hi Meryl,

I trust this finds you well.

After listening to your Woodford presentation on autism and checking your slides it appears a number of gross errors were made, particularly concerning Bailey Banks.

The court ruling specifically states Bailey does not have autism. Indeed PDD is not autism – something that is basic knowledge.

I have significant concerns that you claimed his ruling supported your case of vaccine induced autism when this is not the case. Indeed the index page of the ruling clearly states, “Non-autistic developmental delay”.

On page 7, Dr. Lopez (acting for Mr. Banks) stated that “Bailey does not have autism because he has a reason for his deficits.”

Added to this are many other quotes also dismissing autism as a diagnosis, and I am concerned you have read these yet intentionally misled the audience.

Furthermore, the 83 VICP cases you cite are also not related to autism beyond the clumsy attempt by Pace Law School students under the auspices of vaccine scare profiteer, Mary Holland to argue “autism like symptoms” (despite having a clear aetiology) are in fact autism.

Only 21 reported cases were sourced from the VICP files. The other 62 phone interviews and communication questionnaires with biased parties, were not verified nor had ethics approval.

This leaves a total of zero cases. More so your slide only claims “associated” with, and the Pace School media rep’ Danielle Orsino has only ever argued a “suggestion”.

All in all, there is no evidence in your presentation to suggest a remote link between vaccines and autism.

Can you please clarify this asap.

More information here:

Many thanks,

Kind Regards,
Paul Gallagher
[personal email supplied]

And then sent this tweet:

Of course, as predicted there has been nothing but Silence! Then tonight Meryl Dorey excelled herself, proving what Sir Autism had said. They feed on repetition, insult, angst and are cowards with no evidence and no real purpose beyond insulting well meaning folk.

Tracey from Stop The AVN had caught Meryl out on her own blog, making false claims in a superior tone:

Meryl either agreed that she was indeed “proved wrong” or was simply unable to offer a cogent reply. She ignored every point and answered:

Tracey responds, yet strangely her comment still awaits moderation. The perpetual complainer of free speech suppression is still, as ever, hard at work censoring the truth. Tracey has generously mentioned my first request of Dorey.

Apart from the above, with some retweets there have been a few mentions on Facebook. Meryl Dorey has probably had over a dozen opportunities in as many days to acknowledge this. Presently her lack of words are answering all my queries.

In public Meryl seemingly wants to be seen to be legitimate, gushing pleasantly about discussion for the benefit of others. Take her up on this and the Silence remains. The persecution returns. There appears to be only one person Dorey wants to benefit. Despite the obvious humour that hovers over this patently ridiculous spectacle, there is no long term joke. Children get sick and die, AVN members are schemed out of money and Aussies are being misled time and again. But “it’s good that we can discuss it”.

Will the real Meryl Dorey please stand up.

Vaccination saved us from…what, exactly?

So goes one heading over at the No Compulsory Vaccination blog, leading to a screed of disturbingly accusatory silliness borne of the confidence from one graph.

Dr Raymond Obomsawin is one of the few to knock up a bogus graph that cites decreasing incidence of measles infection rather than the boring old general mortality we’ve come to expect from antivaxxers. The obvious conclusion of course is that lethal viruses were being tamed by clean water, less wandering poo and yummy food.

Robert Webb succinctly explains where the problems lie here and also points to a further mincing of Obomsawin by David Gorski at Science Based Medicine. I quite like Gorski’s sub-heading. Intellectual dishonesty at it’s most naked.

What surprises me still however, is just how many angles these purveyors of fiction will try. As I touched on in some satire recently, Meryl Dorey’s hilarious poker face revelation on Radio 3CR whilst chatting (or rather, lying) to Helen Lobato pre Woodford was a beauty.

A lot of the credit that’s been given to vaccines for the decline in deaths and infectious diseases has nothing to do with vaccines. Because it all happened before the shots were introduced. Engineers did more to improve the health of Australians than doctors ever have.

Whilst antivaxxers have been a little more vocal of late, they seem to have really only dug their hole deeper. If not attacking those who ask questions of them, engaging in a bit of fraud or libel, it seems to be silliness as usual. Judy Wilyman is a splendid offender with this myth, claiming there is “no historical evidence” for the success of any vaccine schedule. Her trick is to use mortality rates. Usually Judy just plonks up infant fatality rates from 1900 onwards and uses the rapid decline up till 1950 to mount her case.

Let’s ignore what two World Wars did to the birth rate and consequently infant fatalities in English speaking nations over that period, and just focus on the absurdity of mortality alone. There’s no doubt improvements in sanitation, hygiene and quality of food improved our health vastly. But did it also impact on viral behaviour and immunity as is being suggested?

Bogey sites such as Child Health Safety with Vaccines Did Not Save Us – 2 centuries of official statistics excel in exploiting this myth of “mortality = disease”. As amusing as such nonsense may be, it shows the lengths some go to in protecting the vaccine-autism myth. That blog provides graph after graph of fatalities which are virtually irrelevant to disease incidence. It is only once vaccines enter the timeline do we see disease incidence almost vanish.

To me, a drop in mortality coinciding with a healthier population indicates improved rate of recovery from illness. It doesn’t say much about infection other than to hint at better general immunity that comes with better health. But better immunity is not specific immunity, and this is what antivaxxers are really claiming – even if they don’t realise it.

More so, this claim would also demand rising herd immunity before widespread vaccination programmes, on a trajectory that would have matched the herd immunity achieved by mass vaccination. Acceptance of the value of herd immunity refutes the claim infection control arose from better living. That’s one reason antivaxxers deny it. Strangely, there is silence about success of the Hib vaccine, which they should be able to explain.

Being the lovers of science they claim to be, Hib has falsified the claim of improved living standards, not vaccination, controlling certain diseases. In time, perhaps shortly, we may see this repeated with a hepatitis C vaccine and I predict the antivaxxers will have just as little to say by way of explanation of their “theory”.

Yet ultimately it is antivaxxers themselves who debunk this nonsensical myth. If improved living standards controlled or wiped out vaccine preventable diseases then how do we explain this present resurgence on the back of low immunisation rates? Surely living standards haven’t dropped, anymore than they improved over the 12 years from 1993 in which Hib vaccination demonstrated it’s efficacy. Added to this is the bizarre belief that children are meant to catch these diseases. Which by the way we’re told, are harmless, even “marvellous”, in the case of returning measles.

Simply put, if improved living standards can suppress these diseases we should see them eliminated, not returning. Nor does the rise of chiropractic, homeoprophylactic, herbal and other “immune boosting” hanky panky make real sense. All of this exposes the fact that it is herd immunity sustained by vaccination that largely protects those who refuse vaccination. That’s another reason to deny the value of herd immunity.

As the lie becomes harder to sustain new myths are fabricated. The pertussis vaccine has caused the outbreak. Vaccination causes the disease it is meant to prevent. “Vaccine shedding” places the unvaccinated at risk. Viruses are intentionally released into the community. Vaccination causes immune dysfunction leading to later infection. Vaccination doesn’t provide proper immunity.

It would seem it is approaching the End Game in more ways than one for this myth. It isn’t hard to answer Ms. Dorey’s question.

Vaccination saved us from the returning diseases children are not being vaccinated against.

Vaccination And Improved Living Standards

Vaccine Myths Celebrate 2012

“Tonight I’m gunna party like it’s 1899”

As the clock ticked toward midnight a couple of nights back I received a knock on the door from a very strange character indeed.

Standing on the door step was a heavily robed individual whose face was completely shadowed by a large hood. A cloud of foggy mist seemed to hang about his personage (I assumed it was male), along with a strong moldy smell and for a moment I was lost for words. All that was lacking to fit the role of Death, was the scythe. He thrust forward a rolled parchment tied in strands of old rope and sealed with a bright red wax seal.

I peered at the seal which seemed to read Castle Cockamaymee, then back at the visitor. He nodded at the parchment and extended an arm with a huge sleeve from which poked a cadaverous finger. He wiggled it as if to say get on with it so I broke the seal and the rope strands fell away. I unrolled it and with growing delight read the text:

Dear Paul,

You are invited to Vaccine Myths New Year Celebrations at our stronghold in Middle Earth.

Your guide Byron, has entered through one of our temporary trans-dimensional space time portals to hand you this invitation. Please feel welcome to follow him back through said portal, at which point you will arrive at your destination.

Venue: Realm of Mythology’s Castle Cockamaymee, Middle Earth.

Time: Meaningless.

Byron? Anyway…

It was signed by all nine vaccine ringwraiths, led of course by Sir Vaccines Cause Autism and Vaccines Contain Mercury. Slayed by Dr. Rachie with Science at the momentous Battle of Castle Mamamia they had since regenerated many times. Then there was a host of other signatures including the deep impression left by the powerful hand of Big Pharma Myth. I was particularly pleased to see Improved Living Standards Wiped Out Disease in a steady hand. Last I’d seen of him was on October 25th just before Meryl Dorey’s Supercalifragilistichomeoprophylaxis Tour of W.A. He was quite unwell and eventually collapsed a shrivelled, dead husk starved of proper retelling and poisoned by attempts to support him with pseudoscience.

Vaccine Myths are, to state the obvious, myths. It is through the telling of these Myths and belief in them that they source their life essence: The Power of the Burning Stupid. Attempts to turn a myth into reality through bogus means and false claims of evidence is disastrous. More than any other Myth, Improved Living Standards has struggled with attempts to nail him down with junk science. Mainly antivaxxers using reduced mortality figures that followed improvement in sanitation to fallaciously claim a drop in disease itself. Bogus, doctored graphs needlessly tacked onto a retelling have taken their toll over and again. More than a few times skeptics have saved him from oblivion.

Of course Vaccine Myths can be regenerated at any time, provided human beings radiate enough Burning Stupid and retell the specific Myth. What we here tend to call lying. I could certainly hazard a guess or two at where Improved Living Standards had sourced the Burning Stupid to regenerate. Usually philosophical about this, Vaccine Myths will fight for their survival against what they call “broken humans”, who are those antivaxxers we deem completely insane. Broken Humans are void of the Burning Stupid tending to radiate pure malignancy along with copious amounts of deadly bogus “evidence”.

For these reasons Vaccine Myths, which technically don’t exist, resemble long-dead, recently exhumed medieval knights, armed to the teeth but with delightfully unique personalities. Having chatted quite a bit with Sir Vaccines Cause Autism, I’ve become rather fond of his calm, capable, non confrontational approach to things. As I followed Byron toward a misty cloud a few meters down the road I reflected on Autism’s impeccable manners and suave disposition.

Knighted for services to the Realm of Mythology in sustaining the Power of The Burning Stupid, he was quite embarrassed about all the fuss, preferring to keep on with his huge workload. Fiercely dismissive of false myths and an outspoken critic of Meryl Dorey he’d been kind enough to outline to complexity that goes into choosing a new Vaccine Myth or a simple Lie. Byron reached the mist, turned and beckoned with his finger in the universal language “Follow”, then promptly disappeared. I stepped into the mist expecting a sort of Star Gate experience.

Yet within a step I was standing in sunshine a few feet from an enormous wooden gate reinforced with steel bands and studs that rose hundreds of feet above me. I thought FaceTime was cool, but Space Time had advantages. To my right and left huge hewn stone walls, much higher the the gate followed the terrain for thousands of meters. It was topped with battlements, some of which protruded outwards in arcs for 30 meters or so, dotted with huge merlons, watchtowers, archery and observation decks. Massive iron framework could be seen attached at strategic intervals the purpose of which was lost on me, beyond exploiting gravity for some hellish bone crushing, brain splattering, boiling oil spilling purpose.

Thousands of arrow loops and rectangular ports dotted the wall. Deceptively small, I knew from ancient castles and defensive walls in our dimension that each opened into a huge funicular recess running through the wall giving archers ample room to move and depending on height hundreds of square meters of target range. All this for protection against the many Enemies of Reason, Sir Vaccines Cause Autism had once explained to me. Dark forces here were devoted to turning Myths into perceived reality with junk science thus ushering in the Age Of Darkness.

Their minions – slaves and soldiers – looked for want of a better description, like Orcs. I looked around and was amazed to see hundreds of corpses in various states of decay and dismemberment. It was close to freezing and patches of snow and ice lay across the ground. They could have been here for days or months. These Orc-like creatures were similar but could be discerned by uniforms under their armour. Antivaxxers dressed like Andrew Wakefield and were endowed with large silicon breasts like Jenny McCarthy and tangled, unwashed hair like Meryl Dorey. They had accents like Viera Scheibner. Many had monkey heads and wings. A rotting sign lay near a flying monkey corpse. It read “Open ze gate or zoon you vill be drownink in de mercuree”.

Chiropractors and reflexologists wore white coats and used large shields with anatomical signs and impossibly dumb claims on them. Creationists carried bananas, rode giant crockoducks and had hair like Baptist ministers. TCM practitioners had Rhino horns protruding from their heads and carried bags of useless herbs. Acupuncturists had needles protruding from their hideous faces which they probably plucked out and shot with tiny little cross bows that they carried. I lost count of how many corpses were dressed like the Pope and covered in Holy Bling. The Aura readers wore psychedelic robes. Crystal healers shot crystals with sling shots. New Age diagnosticians were clad in flashing LED’s and meaningless printouts. Theta healers reputedly frowned at the walls and yelled “Quantum” periodically.

The homeopath soldiers were the most pathetic though. They supposedly spread themselves so thinly it was impossible to detect any. Rather than attacking the defences they believed they could win by attacking themselves in small doses. The smaller the more deadly. Some would cut off a finger or gouge out an eye. Highly trained veterans might sprain an ankle. Their Elite Forces attacked in groups of one brandishing a shaving cut. They believed just a memory of them attacking was sufficient to get results.

Looking at these corpses and carnage, the more I thought about it the more I realised it was a perfect analogy to our own struggle between science and woo. Uncaring beneficiaries misled wave after wave of misguided but loyal minions who then suffered the real consequences. Eventually Byron flicked his finger at the gate as if to say get on with it (again) then wandered off down along the wall, nimbly hurdling the disproportionate armour covered breasts of a prostrate antivaxxer corpse. Just then a small door opened in the gate and I wandered inside.

It was an incredible spectacle. An entire medieval city faded into the distance in a display of colour, architecture, sound and smell. An elderly cadaverous looking gentleman standing nearby introduced himself as Butter is good for burns, and said he’d guide me to the Ballroom, situated in the original Castle Cockamaymee. As we walked along winding pathways he pointed out the various Halls of The Realm of Mythology. Each alternative to medicine was separately represented here as an “alternative medicine” Myth.

The Divinity Campus was huge, encompassing countless Myths and staff. Butter is good for burns informed me that a recent addition in the Creationist Myth faculty was an entire building devoted to tackling Intelligent Design. This bogus “evidence” threatened Mythical retelling and thus the various Creation Myths themselves. Apparently however the sheer power of the Burning Stupid given off by those who accepted ID was unprecedented. Divinity scholars were hard at work researching exactly what was best for Myths.

Butter also made a point of telling me that Theta and Quantum Healing were new faculties not heard of “back in my day”. He said that with such finality that I assumed he may not have long left. Eventually we came to a building large enough to be called a castle in it’s own right.

No doubt the original Castle Cockamaymee around which the city of Castle Cockamaymee had grown. Huge walls and a large slope, now covered in grass testified to it’s original defensive purpose. Butter led me up a huge winding staircase that went on and on crossing huge galleries, passing cavernous hallways and massive doors.

Eventually we seemed to reach the top and he used a huge steel knocker to bang on the door, then excused himself heading off downstairs.

A moment later the door swung open and I was greeted by what I assumed was a younger relative of Sir Vaccines Cause Autism. Just as I recognised the familiar weapons and medals of gallantry he announced, “Ah, wonderful wonderful and well met young Paul. Delighted you could come. Do come in dear chap. Things are just getting under way”, he beckoned with a flourish of his robed arm.

I was astonished. Rather than the usual mummified corpse, he looked quite fresh. Almost alive. “Thank you Sir Vaccines…“.

“Just Autism, dear chap. We can dispense with titles also. Now don’t be too surprised at the state of everyone’s regeneration. There’s been quite a bit of Vaccine Myth retelling at your end and loads of the Burning Stupid. What with the reaction to the immunisation incentives, followed by Dorey on radio, upheld complaints, followed by more interviews before that Woodford business and then the Woodford Festival itself, we’re jumping out of our skin. And it just keeps coming. Delightful! Now come and say hello to…”.

Before he could finish a voice yelled out “Paulie, Paulie, Paulie!”, and a tanned fellow dressed in tennis gear came hurdling furniture and dodging party goers toward us. As he came up I could recognise Improved Living Standards, Not Vaccination Wiped Out Disease. I couldn’t believe this was the same dead and shrivelled husk from a few weeks back.

“Thank Stupidity for Judy Wilyman and Meryl Dorey. Look at what Wilyman wrote to Nicola Roxon following the Immunisation Incentive change in late November”, he gushed excitedly. This is point one in her letter – point one!”. He held up his iPhone and I read:

There is no historical evidence that vaccines controlled any of the infectious diseases listed in government immunization policies – in any developed country.

“It even sounds a bit ambiguous but I’m the only Myth that comes close… and we know it’s one of her core beliefs, so Bam I was on my feet in no time. Then it kept getting retold and believed over and over again. Then Dorey said the same thing on Facebook trying to use the mumps outbreak as proof and then next she’s on 3CR before Woodford. Listen to this!”, he offered passing me the ear buds and tapping his iPhone screen. Sure enough, there was Dorey’s voice saying:

A lot of the credit that’s been given to vaccines for the decline in deaths and infectious diseases has nothing to do with vaccines. Because it all happened before the shots were introduced. Engineers did more to improve the health of Australians than doctors ever have.

“And of course, this is all in the governments own data she reckons. It’s awesome. I’m thinking of changing my name to Engineers did more to improve the health of Australians than doctors ever have, but it’s a bit long. Oh! I mixed it up with some rap also, so I can groove around the place. Have a listen”:


“Anyway, tonight I’m gunna party like it’s 1899”, he laughed. With that he high fived me, and boogied back into the party crowd. Autism smiled and said, “He’s been like that for days now but will soon calm down. Vaccines Contain Mercury is anxious to catch up. He’ll be by the fire if I know him. The nights get pretty chilly around here”. On the way down we bumped into Vaccines Have Never Been Tested chatting with My Child’s Immune System Will Be Overwhelmed. They introduced their lady friend Vaccine Lies as High Pitched Crying and Hepatitis B Vaccine Kills. All looked in great health and we spent some time discussing the intricacies of vaccine testing and the many hundreds of immune system insults children get each day just from putting hands in mouths and going about their business.

My Child’s Immune System Will Be Overwhelmed wasn’t looking his usually nervous self. Autism explained that this was because meningococcal C, pneumococcal and varicella would be part of the full immunisation assessment from July 2013 and that MMR would be replaced with Priorix-Tetra, a quadrivalent vaccine for measles, mumps, rubella and varicella. So whilst the Myth itself was still pathetic, Overwhelmed wasn’t taking it personally and expected quite a lot of retelling. Plus Dorey was on air recently now claiming children receive 50 vaccines before school. We mingled on chatting with the crowd, enjoying the fare. By now the party was in full swing.

Infectious Diseases Are Harmless and Children Should Get Them and his friend Vaccines Actually Cause The Infectious Disease They Should Prevent had no doubt had a few wines, but were engrossed in a fascinating philosophical discussion. Antivaxxers believed in both Myths. Thus, if Diseases Are Harmless (even good as many claimed) was believed then surely there could be no problem with Vaccines Cause Disease – quite the opposite in fact. Similarly, if Vaccines Cause Disease was believed, then this was a bonus for the belief in Diseases Are Harmless or Good. By logical extension on one hand, if children were meant to get the diseases, then vaccines would be the surest way to reach this goal.

On the other hand, if vaccines causing disease was a reason to not vaccinate then this denied the children from wonderful diseases such as “Melanie’s Marvellous Measles“. Clearly they seemed to cancel each other out. Which couldn’t be true as they were both here in the Realm of Mythology, existing under the power of frequently told Myths. A large crowd had gathered around following the discussion intently. They told us the two had already discussed whether one Myth was more mythical than the other, or if one could possibly cancel out the other slightly more.

Scribbled on a piece of parchment was the famous 60 Minutes statement. “So, vaccines are dangerous, and diseases are good”, to which Viera Scheibner had answered “Exactly”. They’d decided that as each Myth made up an equal half of this statement and it was “exact” in an antivaxxers thinking it was proof they were equally valid. Which brought them back to square one. Now they were discussing the impact of human stupidity, posing various ways it might be measured. Sir Vaccines Caused Autism looked on with pride and whispered, “They’re doing well… for non-existent entities of course. Once they work out that human stupidity is infinite and can’t be measured they’ll soon have their answer – even if it takes weeks. Er.., no offence of course dear chap”.

“None taken my friend, none taken”, I replied quietly. “Once they work it out I imagine they’ll be just as shocked as delighted at the sheer glare of the Burning Stupid”. We started to move away as Autism grinned and almost bumped into a magnificently regal and ancient looking character. He took a step back, removed a large hat and offered a sweeping bow speaking in what sounded like a German dialect. Viennese? Austrian? A bit of both? Could it possibly be..?

“Ah Paul”, offered Autism, “May I present my good friend and Peer of The Realm, Sir Water Has A Memory, who holds a similar position to mine in the faculty of Homeopathic Myths”.

Gobsmacked for a moment, I stared at his deep blue vest and purple cape, both etched with golden thread then at the glittering jewels on his sword handle, scabbard, belt and fingers. Eventually I composed myself and managed a bow of sorts. Memory offered a few pleasantries in English and at that moment a younger looking Myth wandered up. “Excellent, excellent I hoped you’d be nearby”, Autism said to him. “Paul may I introduce Homeoprophylaxis, one of our few dual faculty members here at Castle Cockamaymee“.

Homeoprophylaxis shook my hand and extended a warm welcome in a Cuban accent. We stood about chatting and laughing at human stupidity for a while. Both Memory and Homeoprophylaxis were very keen to find out about the progress of the bogus claim that Quantum Physics would one day explain homeopathy. They were delighted to know their Mythical status was not only quite safe but that Theta and Quantum healers had now started using the same excuse. We left them dancing a jig and singing in Cuban and Viennese.

Before I knew it we’d made it to the fire place, which was roughly the size of a garage door. Lounging about in chairs were Vaccines Contain Mercury, Vaccines Contain Toxic Ingredients and Vaccines Don’t Work Because Kids Still Get The Disease, and a host of female Lies. One gracious looking mummified female wandered over and Sir Vaccines Cause Autism introduced her as his wife the good Lady Pervasive Developmental Disorder Is The Same As Autism. No doubt Lady PDD had copped a large dose of regenerative vibes from Woodford, and looked almost as fit as her husband.

Vaccines Contain Mercury seemed to be holding Court over the group, many of whom were toking on a large hookah pipe he kept topping up with hashish and cannabis. Known for his signature reefer Mercury took the view that being dead and non-existent must allow for some vices. He gave me a laid back wave. “I see you met old Shit and Sugar“, he said to laughter referring to Sir Water Has A Memory. “But seriously – lovely chap and dearly loved he is. Come and join us. We’re just discussing topics for this years AGM. My Children’s Immune System Will Be Overwhelmed looks set for a new workload and young Pertussis over there (I waved to a new face) is certain to be approved by the committee as a new Myth. The only issue is which Myth. Bad Cough? Vaccine doesn’t work? Vaccine causes pertussis? Vaccine kills babies? Man, it’s enough to do ya head in”.

Just then a cheer went up and we counted down to midnight. As soon as the cheering, back slapping and kissing of mummified corpses finished a slow chant began. “Pharma, Pharma, Pharma…“, it continued until the muscular and armored physique of Big Pharma Myth leaped on top of a table to thunderous applause.

He was holding a microphone in his massive hand and from somewhere the tune of Mary Poppins’ Chim Chim Cher-ee came from an amplifier.

I joined in the applause as I realised what was going on. Big Pharma had toured with Meryl Poppins during the Supercalifragilistichomeoprophylaxis Tour of W.A. singing the Conspira Conspira Conspira-see duo. He waited for the right moment then started singing in his baritone voice:

Conspira, conspira, conspira-see – I’m evil and wicked and quite darstardlee

Conspira, conspira, conspira-roo – Bad luck will rub off, when I shake ‘ands with you

We tells you people we do things so pure – But in truth we hide, the real cancer cure

Conspira, conspira, conspira-see – You take all my drugs, I take your money

Flying about in me luxury jet – I pull the lever, and it’s chemtrails you get

We seem to work very ‘ard, travelling miles – But in truth we are, shape shifting reptiles

Conspira, conspira, conspirasee – I am just a slave to Malignancy

We tell you we do lots of randomised trials – But just sit around and twiddle some dials

Our ads and our packets are all really slick – But it’s all just designed to keep people sick

Everybody! Conspira, conspira, conspirasee…

Soon the whole place was jumping and different Myths and Lies took turns with the microphone. At one point I found myself dancing with Vaccines Contain Mercury who, reefer in hand, seemed to have mastered a style that combined Square dancing with trying to stamp out spot fires. A few good natured sword fights broke out but of course no-one could get hurt. Improved Living Standards was back dressed in traditional garb thoroughly enjoying himself. I was particularly impressed with the voice of one young Vaccine Lie who I later found out was Doctors Don’t Report Adverse Reactions. She had the crowd in the palm of her hand. Homeoprophylaxis himself looked smitten as she sang:


If you say it loud enough you ignore there is no praxis

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay


When your patients are all dead blame oxygen atom’s axis

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay

Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay….

Slowly the night wore on and morning was approaching. I spent the better part of an hour chatting with Autism and Mercury about their early years together. It was easy to see why they were such firm friends. Mercury was furious about Dorey’s recent attempts to promote bogus and fraudulent nonsense to argue vaccines actually do cause autism. “It’s not just you”, he stressed to his friend, “But Lady PDD’s ontology has now been openly threatened by that ridiculous travelling side show”.

“I’m quite fine and so is my good wife and you know how I feel about fuss”, replied Autism. “Which reminds me, we have a sunrise breakfast to share. Paul, it’s been a pleasure once again. You simply must come back for the AGM dear chap, and no I won’t hear of any excuse. We do have time portals after all. How was the journey over? We thought you’d prefer it to our usual choice of coffin or sarcophagus”.

“Awesome… I mean, very comfortable. Quite suitable”.

“Wonderful then. It’s almost time for you to leave, so until next time I’ll be off and bid thee both farewell”, said Autism embracing Mercury in a brotherly hug. With that he headed for a side door and was gone. Mercury was rolling up another reefer and nodded toward the balcony door. I bade farewell all those who were still around (Big Pharma almost broke my hand in a bone crushing shake) and followed Mercury out into the freezing air. “So, what do ya think of the pace?”, he asked.

Words failed me. The sun was coming up and the view was magnificent. It stood to reason that as this was the original castle it was on the highest ground, giving an extraordinary view of the city below. Off in the distance I could see snow covered mountains. On the walls guards patrolled with one or two shooting an arrow or releasing some flaming debris from a catapult.

“It’s breath taking. Never seen anything like it. Is there some sort of battle or war or…?”.

“Battle?!”, Mercury sounded shocked. Nah. Just business as usual. Man, when there’s a battle they’re piled five deep down there. During the warmer months. Now we’re just keepin’ ’em honest as usual. Poor buggers – you’ve seen the different types, yeah? Dyin’ for every stupid pile of bat shit nonsense known to Myth. Lied to by the scum riddled creatures who dream up this madness and hope to profit from it”.

“Sounds familiar”, I replied.

“Indeed. And without you guys who knows what could happen here. Seriously dude. Give our regards to all at Stop The AVN and all the others standing up for science and reason. The more rational your world, the safer The Realm of Mythology. We’re in your debt… what with us not actually technically existing and all. But a Fact is a Fact and a Myth is a Myth. I think the universe prefers it that way”, he said gazing distantly at the sunrise. I was about to agree but thought better of it. Things seemed quite perfect for a moment.

Soon we noticed Byron hovering around a cloud of mist. “Ah. Here’s your ride”, joked Vaccines Contain Mercury. He shook my hand and slapped my on the shoulder. I wandered up to the mist. Byron pointed at my pockets and at the side of his head with his bony finger. Oh! I realised he meant keys, wallet, phone…

“Yes, all good”, I said. Byron nodded and stepped back out of my way. I turned to look back at the heavily armed semi-mummified knight.

“It’s been real man”, Vaccines Contain Mercury said pointing at me with two fingers clasping what was left of his huge reefer.

With that I stepped into the mist and vanished from the Realm of Mythology and the best non existent party I’d never been to.